Monday monday...

I caught myself thinking this weekend, am I crazy to try this again. I could end up with two babies under 2! I don't delude myself thinking that will be easy. Especially since my husband works so many hours. Even if he didn't I am a control freak and I have a difficult time giving in. Like this weekend, E was crying because she was overtired and couldn't get to sleep. I just wanted to leave her to CIO (cry it out). But that just isn't me. So I'm trying to rock and calm the screaming child, who is having her first experience with hot weather. (it went from 50's during the week to mid-80's over the weekend). My dh says he will take her and I snap at him and send him out to the garden instead of just admitting that I would love the break. I don't think the bc pills are helping my moods. When I was on them in my twenties I felt like they made me have horrible mood swings. (Had I known about my infertility then I could have saved everyone from my awful moods -sorry)

E just wouldn't sleep this weekend. I am trying to move her from our room to her own crib and it is a tough transition. I think I figured out the swaddle is key. If I swaddle her she seems to fall asleep a lot easier and stay asleep. But I am afraid if I relay on the swaddle then I will have to learn a new "trick" to get her to sleep when she is too big to be swaddled. Can you imagine a 18 year old trying to get themselves all swaddled-up to go so sleep in their college dorm? I know it won't come to that, but I am all about extremes.

I quit my job this morning. I brought E with me because my husband had to go to Court for an arrest he did on Sat. night. For the first time ever I was able to be really honest. I told her it wasn't that I couldn't work because I have been working since the day E was born (I didn't take a leave) but rather that I don't want to work. She said that she totally understood and would gladly take me back when E was older and I wanted to work. I was recruited by this company right after E was born and they knew I had a new baby and they still wanted me to work there. I am so happy that the door will still be open.

On the infertility front, my friend is going for her harvest and transfer this week. We grew up in the same town and have been friends since we were 6. She lives in the south now and I am in the north. I would swear it is something in the water were we grew up, but we have friends who lead crazy lives and have gotten pregnant without even trying. This her second round of IVF, the first didn't take. She didn't do IUI's before had so it was her first experience with the devastation. I haven't told her that we are trying IVF again. I am so worried that if it works for me and not for her that she is going to be hurt. Well I know she is going to be hurt, I would be. I would be mad and sad and everything that goes with that. Even though I know I am just supposed to be happy for people. I still get a little jealous when people get pregnant with out ART. The sensible side of me knows not to say anything about loud about that, but deep down, it is hard to be happy for other people. It's hard to be happy for them if they get pregnant, and you can't, if they win the lotto and you didn't. It's easy to feel badly for people but so hard to be honestly happy for them. (Yes, I'm a horrible person. But at least I am honest)

So baby dust to the south. You better get pregnant!