I caught myself thinking this weekend, am I crazy to try this again. I could end up with two babies under 2! I don't delude myself thinking that will be easy. Especially since my husband works so many hours. Even if he didn't I am a control freak and I have a difficult time giving in. Like this weekend, E was crying because she was overtired and couldn't get to sleep. I just wanted to leave her to CIO (cry it out). But that just isn't me. So I'm trying to rock and calm the screaming child, who is having her first experience with hot weather. (it went from 50's during the week to mid-80's over the weekend). My dh says he will take her and I snap at him and send him out to the garden instead of just admitting that I would love the break. I don't think the bc pills are helping my moods. When I was on them in my twenties I felt like they made me have horrible mood swings. (Had I known about my infertility then I could have saved everyone from my awful moods -sorry)
E just wouldn't sleep this weekend. I am trying to move her from our room to her own crib and it is a tough transition. I think I figured out the swaddle is key. If I swaddle her she seems to fall asleep a lot easier and stay asleep. But I am afraid if I relay on the swaddle then I will have to learn a new "trick" to get her to sleep when she is too big to be swaddled. Can you imagine a 18 year old trying to get themselves all swaddled-up to go so sleep in their college dorm? I know it won't come to that, but I am all about extremes.
I quit my job this morning. I brought E with me because my husband had to go to Court for an arrest he did on Sat. night. For the first time ever I was able to be really honest. I told her it wasn't that I couldn't work because I have been working since the day E was born (I didn't take a leave) but rather that I don't want to work. She said that she totally understood and would gladly take me back when E was older and I wanted to work. I was recruited by this company right after E was born and they knew I had a new baby and they still wanted me to work there. I am so happy that the door will still be open.
On the infertility front, my friend is going for her harvest and transfer this week. We grew up in the same town and have been friends since we were 6. She lives in the south now and I am in the north. I would swear it is something in the water were we grew up, but we have friends who lead crazy lives and have gotten pregnant without even trying. This her second round of IVF, the first didn't take. She didn't do IUI's before had so it was her first experience with the devastation. I haven't told her that we are trying IVF again. I am so worried that if it works for me and not for her that she is going to be hurt. Well I know she is going to be hurt, I would be. I would be mad and sad and everything that goes with that. Even though I know I am just supposed to be happy for people. I still get a little jealous when people get pregnant with out ART. The sensible side of me knows not to say anything about loud about that, but deep down, it is hard to be happy for other people. It's hard to be happy for them if they get pregnant, and you can't, if they win the lotto and you didn't. It's easy to feel badly for people but so hard to be honestly happy for them. (Yes, I'm a horrible person. But at least I am honest)
So baby dust to the south. You better get pregnant!
Monday, April 27, 2009
Thursday, April 23, 2009
To work or not to work, that is the question.
A neighbor stopped by the other day with her daughter and I had my zillions of needles (unused) on the island in the kitchen. Honestly it looked like I am part of a clean needle program for IV drug users. Of course there was no time to quickly whisk them away so we both pretended they weren't there.
I told myself that this time I would be less private about IVF this time. But now I feel like I can't tell people because there is still (only in my mind, I'm sure) a stigma associated with it and I am also afraid of what people will say since I have a four month old. Like, I can't be grateful for what I have. I am very grateful for my daughter. I would just like her to have siblings. So for now, I am back to secrecy with the people I know.
E, my daughter slept until 10 am this morning. I'm not complaining, but she usually wakes up at 7:30, so I found myself checking to see if she was breathing. Just when you think you can predict a tiny part of their behavior kids go and do something to completely throw you off your game. If I had planned on being asleep at that time, I know for a fact that she would have gotten up at 5!
But all of this leads me to whether I should continue working. Going through IVF requires a bunch of clinic visits for blood work as well as the procedure itself. And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again I don't know if I can handle the tiredness. I am not usually a wimp. I'm not sure it is the progesterone shots (which say a side affect is lethargy) or actually being pregnant, but it is a tiredness like I have never experienced in my life. Ever watch Trainspotting? When they shoot up and then they just lay there. It's like that. I just can't move. That's another reason why I am doing this again while E is so young, because she takes some pretty healthy naps during the day so at least have a fighting chance of keeping up with her at this point.
I need to make a decision about this before Monday because I have already scheduled a meeting with my boss. Guess I'll think about it tomorrow. (Scarlett O'Hara)
I told myself that this time I would be less private about IVF this time. But now I feel like I can't tell people because there is still (only in my mind, I'm sure) a stigma associated with it and I am also afraid of what people will say since I have a four month old. Like, I can't be grateful for what I have. I am very grateful for my daughter. I would just like her to have siblings. So for now, I am back to secrecy with the people I know.
E, my daughter slept until 10 am this morning. I'm not complaining, but she usually wakes up at 7:30, so I found myself checking to see if she was breathing. Just when you think you can predict a tiny part of their behavior kids go and do something to completely throw you off your game. If I had planned on being asleep at that time, I know for a fact that she would have gotten up at 5!
But all of this leads me to whether I should continue working. Going through IVF requires a bunch of clinic visits for blood work as well as the procedure itself. And if I am lucky enough to get pregnant again I don't know if I can handle the tiredness. I am not usually a wimp. I'm not sure it is the progesterone shots (which say a side affect is lethargy) or actually being pregnant, but it is a tiredness like I have never experienced in my life. Ever watch Trainspotting? When they shoot up and then they just lay there. It's like that. I just can't move. That's another reason why I am doing this again while E is so young, because she takes some pretty healthy naps during the day so at least have a fighting chance of keeping up with her at this point.
I need to make a decision about this before Monday because I have already scheduled a meeting with my boss. Guess I'll think about it tomorrow. (Scarlett O'Hara)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
The best laid plans...
I was going to have vaginal, drug-free birth, breast feed, and cloth diaper. I was not going to have an epidural, be induced, bottle feed or babywear.
I am a crazy planner (read: control freak), so of course this is the way things would go, right? Absolutely not! My daughter was born a week after my EDD. To give you an idea of my control-freakishness I was mad that my baby wasn't on time, especially since I did IVF. I really felt she should have been born exactly 40 weeks from my IVF procedure. My water broke but I never went into "active" labor so after 24 hours, my doctor decided I should be induced. Strike 1 to my plan. After several hours of contractions (and not dilating), I contemplated telling my husband that I was never going to do this again. I had an epidural instead. Strike 2. I still didn't progress and then I got an infection so I had to have a C-section. Strike 3 - and I hadn't even let Labor and Delivery yet.
The C-Section went smoothly, although I did grab the nurses when they rolled me onto the table because I was convinced they were going to drop me on the OR floor. However, my daughter had to go to the Special Care Nursery, because we both had a fever when she was born. They put her IV antibiotics.
I wasn't able to breast feed. Despite numerous visits from lactation consultants in the hospital my daughter wouldn't latch. I figured we would get there and I kept trying. The nurses brought me a breast pump and encouraged me to pump to up my milk production. Meanwhile, the nurses in the Special Care Nursery insisted that my daughter would have to be supplemented with bottles because her kidneys needed to be flushed due to the antibiotics. So she got bottles.
I found out that my daughter had developmental hip dysplasia and that she would have to be in a harness for at least a couple of months while her hips sockets grew around her hip bones.
I handled most of this really well while I was in the hospital, but by the time I got home, I kept thinking, maybe I wasn't meant to have children. I couldn't nurse my baby despite hourly attempts, she was in a brace and she spent most of the day crying. I never really understood postpartum depression until I got home. On the rare occasions that she wasn't crying,
I checked websites for post partum symptoms and solutions. I would have gone to a baby group, but I couldn't take her because I was so embarrassed that I couldn't nurse her and that she cried all day. It was a scary dark time that no one wants to hear about from a new mom. You're supposed to be elated.
Today I have a happy bottle fed four and a half month old. Turns out she had a milk protein allergy that was making her cry all of time. She is out of her brace and her hips are stable. And she may even like me just a little bit. So just when I barely have it together, I am starting IVF all over again. Today is CD 4 and it is no less scary the second time. It is procedure that involves lots of waiting and a lot of strangers (well they aren't really strangers anymore since I have been going to the same clinic for over 2 years) involved in your reproductive cycle. Last time I was lucky, who knows what this round will bring.
In the meantime, I have my little successes, I do cloth diaper and though I said I wouldn't I babywear (even while I am in heels) because it makes her happy. And I am by no means complaining but I am not going to lie, being a mom isn't easy ya'll
I am a crazy planner (read: control freak), so of course this is the way things would go, right? Absolutely not! My daughter was born a week after my EDD. To give you an idea of my control-freakishness I was mad that my baby wasn't on time, especially since I did IVF. I really felt she should have been born exactly 40 weeks from my IVF procedure. My water broke but I never went into "active" labor so after 24 hours, my doctor decided I should be induced. Strike 1 to my plan. After several hours of contractions (and not dilating), I contemplated telling my husband that I was never going to do this again. I had an epidural instead. Strike 2. I still didn't progress and then I got an infection so I had to have a C-section. Strike 3 - and I hadn't even let Labor and Delivery yet.
The C-Section went smoothly, although I did grab the nurses when they rolled me onto the table because I was convinced they were going to drop me on the OR floor. However, my daughter had to go to the Special Care Nursery, because we both had a fever when she was born. They put her IV antibiotics.
I wasn't able to breast feed. Despite numerous visits from lactation consultants in the hospital my daughter wouldn't latch. I figured we would get there and I kept trying. The nurses brought me a breast pump and encouraged me to pump to up my milk production. Meanwhile, the nurses in the Special Care Nursery insisted that my daughter would have to be supplemented with bottles because her kidneys needed to be flushed due to the antibiotics. So she got bottles.
I found out that my daughter had developmental hip dysplasia and that she would have to be in a harness for at least a couple of months while her hips sockets grew around her hip bones.
I handled most of this really well while I was in the hospital, but by the time I got home, I kept thinking, maybe I wasn't meant to have children. I couldn't nurse my baby despite hourly attempts, she was in a brace and she spent most of the day crying. I never really understood postpartum depression until I got home. On the rare occasions that she wasn't crying,
I checked websites for post partum symptoms and solutions. I would have gone to a baby group, but I couldn't take her because I was so embarrassed that I couldn't nurse her and that she cried all day. It was a scary dark time that no one wants to hear about from a new mom. You're supposed to be elated.
Today I have a happy bottle fed four and a half month old. Turns out she had a milk protein allergy that was making her cry all of time. She is out of her brace and her hips are stable. And she may even like me just a little bit. So just when I barely have it together, I am starting IVF all over again. Today is CD 4 and it is no less scary the second time. It is procedure that involves lots of waiting and a lot of strangers (well they aren't really strangers anymore since I have been going to the same clinic for over 2 years) involved in your reproductive cycle. Last time I was lucky, who knows what this round will bring.
In the meantime, I have my little successes, I do cloth diaper and though I said I wouldn't I babywear (even while I am in heels) because it makes her happy. And I am by no means complaining but I am not going to lie, being a mom isn't easy ya'll
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